“Here’s the story-of a lovely lady-who was bringing up three very lovely girls…”
This is what I hear from my kitchen window while making a quesadilla getting ready for work one afternoon. Who is this singing? A seven-year-old girl? Your deranged grandma? No, no. It’s Jordan and I’s sixty-something Jewish screenwriter neighbor. He likes to wear trench coats and wide-brimmed hats, and, well, sing. The Brady Bunch theme.
We also think he has Turret’s. Like actually. He likes to yell at someone on the phone every other day to someone I can only imagine looks just like him, and who is yelling in the same manner back: “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? YOU ARE SUCH A MORON!! HOW LONG DO YOU THINK I’VE BEEN PLANNING ON THIS???!!!”
and then-suddenly-his manner will switch:
“Ohhh you’ve joined facebook?? Well now everyone will get to see my gorgeous face!”
He also receives these mysterious packages everyday at his doorstep. Movie scripts? Angry political manifestos?
Oh, one of my favorites was when he started cussing off our other neighbor’s dog: “AHHH THAT FUCKING DOG!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT FUCKING DOG!! EVERYDAY!! EVERYDAY THAT FUCKING DOG!!”
(Seriously, I hate this dog. I never thought I’d say that-I love animals, I used to work for an animal shelter, I cry when I see those stupid ‘abused animals’ commercials with Sarah McLaughlan or whatever. But I hate this animal. It’s this small fluffy white thing with a pink bow-aka-the most stereotypical bitchy dog ever, that has the most screeeeching bark I’ve ever heard )
But please remember that the person yelling this is a chubby, angry Woody Allen.
Oh, but my FAVORITE experience Jordan and I have had with Woody is the “Coo-Coo-Clock Experience”:
Early one morning, I wake up to go to work, when I hear a distant, “coo-coo! coo-coo!” Am I dreaming? Does someone just have a coo-coo clock? I want one! About an hour later, I still hear it. Ok, turn the damn clock off!
THEN about a week later, I’m still awake around 3am for whatever reason, when I hear it again: “coo-coo! coo-coo!” Why is the clock going off now?? Shut up! Shut up!
I now had been hearing the coo-coo for a couple of months and finally thought to bring it up to Jordan, who replies,
“Oh my god, I thought that was you!”
“Me?? Why would you think it was me??”
“I thought you were singing or warming up or something!”
“I think I should be insulted…it’s not far from some sort of truth…but uhh no it’s Woody next door, I’m sure. He has some sort of coo-coo clock.”
“No but I’ve heard it vary, it’s not the same “coo-coo” every time.”
“What?? What are you saying?”
“I think he’s making the “coo-coo” sound. It sounds like a person making the “coo-coo” sound.”
“Oh my lord. I just…should we be surprised? Who does that? Why is that a thing??”
YES. He is the coo-coo clock. We’ve heard it since. And it goes on for HOURS.
I think this dude’s neurosis can give THE Woody Allen a run for his money.
-Rose
