I have skin problems. I’ll be honest here. I have had this fungus thing taking over my skin for the past month. It hasn’t responded to over the counter medication, so I decided to pop into Kaiser Urgent Care yesterday.
I was prepared for a few hours of time lost in a waiting room. I stole my boyfriend’s copy of Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States. Mid way through an explanation of the horrific deeds of Columbus I was called into see a doctor. He took a quick look at me and said,
Well I don’t think it’s ring worm. You would have a serious immune deficiency to get ring worm all over your body like that. It’s another fungus: Pityriasis Rosea. It usually goes away by itself, but I can give you a steroid cream to speed the recovery up…. Also, we need to do a blood test for patients with this fungus. I’m not saying you have this particular.. uhm.. well, we need to test you for Syphilis.
COOL.
So, I was sent down to the lab to get tested for Syphilis. I walked into a sparsely populated waiting room and went directly to the front desk. I was glared at, “You need to grab a number”.
Ok.. I walked across the room and grabbed a number.
“Is it 42?”
“Yes,” I reply cautiously.
“Ok give me your paperwork.”
I walked back to him with my seemingly pointless number and embarrassing paperwork declaring I was being tested for Syphilis. He signed me in and I shamefully sat down. I began to read more about the multiple cases of genocide and deception brought to the Native American population. By the time my number was called I was in a daze.
I sat on a plush blue stool and waited for someone to draw my blood. A man in his late thirties came over to me. He joked around about not being able to find a large pair of gloves. I thought he was normal. After he found a pair of gloves he asked, “You look familiar. Do I know you? Have I seen you before?“
“No.. I don’t believe so.”
“Do you go out a lot? Clubs… bars around here?“
“I’m kind of a grandma… Plus I don’t have money to go out.”
“Well what about your boyfriend?“
“He’s in the same situation as me.”
“Ah man. Well do you love him or are you in love with him?“
“Uhm.. sorry? Yeah… We’ve said we’re in love with each other…”
“If you’re in love with him it means you would get married tomorrow.”
Forced chuckles escaped my mouth, “Well I’m only twenty-one”.
“Hey you got to be open. My parents got married at 16/18. You got to be open. And all I’m saying is.. See what I say to girls is: You got to get rid of these loser guys. Why waste your time around with someone who is not going to be able to give you what you need?“
I attempted to summon up as much laughter as humanly possible. At this point he was preparing his needle. He must have been joking around… My mind had no clue. It was still caught between reality and the bloodshed of Indians in the 15th century.
See I’m a retired police officer. Now, you’re wondering why I retired so early. I’m a young guy. Got shot on the job. I had to retire early. So now I’m the senior in charge of this lab. I’m only drawing blood because we’re short staffed. I’m a respectable, smart, financially set guy. You know I always say to girls, why go out with these losers when you can be with someone who is already ahead of you financially and can help you get there too.
He stuck the needle into my barely visible vein sometime in between boasting about himself and suggesting I leave my boyfriend for him. I was still was convincing myself he was joking around. It wasn’t until he took that arbitrary number slip of mine and wrote his phone number on it that I realized this fool was serious. To top it all off, our conversation ended with, “It’s always good just to have an ‘intelligent conversation’ with a man. I’ll be at the W in Hollywood tonight. Give me a call“.
I hope he didn’t realize what my test was for until after I left.
I only blocked out two numbers.. If you can guess what they are, feel free to prank call him and say you’re me. Say you’ll meet him at the W and ask if he’s ok if the test turned out positive for Syphilis.
- Jordan.
Forward much?